sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
