my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
