Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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