after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
