I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
