woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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