It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I'm drive I can fine osifer
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
