So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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