god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
