Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
