do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
