I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
