I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
