So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
