My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
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