pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
