when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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