so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Two words: nipple clamps
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