Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
