She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
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