I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
