Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
