I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
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