Your face is a jimmy john
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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