since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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