Your tits are I can't wait for
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
