is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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