There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
