One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
