No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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