two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
