He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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