Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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