hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
