I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
