I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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