My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
