That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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