when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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