There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
