I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I supernannyed him into submission
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
