my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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