dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
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