Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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