You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
