Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
