im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
