Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
