JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
