Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
