thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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