Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
