I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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